Me, myself and I

Hi everyone. It came to my attention last night that I've really slacked off on the blog, as I've only posted three times this year, and two of them were massive baseball predictions posts. Even when I wrote those posts, I wasn't really interested in posting something about myself or trying to come up with something funny to say, I was really just posting for the sake of posting. Since it has been so long, I went back and read a number of posts, and it was both interesting and disturbing. There were reminders of good times and of poor decisions. And while I started the blog originally to entertain the five of you reading, I think much of it comes across as cynical and/or negative. I don't write about myself often because I don't generally care to advertise my personal thoughts for everyone. But it was an interesting exercise in self-reflection at a period of time in my life that I've been doing a great deal of that to begin with.

Everything came crashing down in the last few months. With the exception of a select few, you missed the storm simply because I didn't tell you.

My job is in a bit of a state of flux because my boss didn't get a slam-dunk proposal funded, what with funding starting to run a little thin with the poor economy. So, unfortunately, I won't be working for Conny any longer beginning December 1st. This has been draining because I've spent an inordinate amount of time at work recently trying to wrap up her most recent project, because I want to finish the job I started and it's important to me to do a good job. I just wish I had a few more weeks. Luckily there are other people here at Lamont who are in need of assistance, so it's not like I'm out of a job. But December I will be working on a project that is really not related to anything I've been doing (although it will be more practical and I do like that), and though I'll be picked up by another person to start the new year, clearly working on "soft money" (ie, grants) is not as secure for me as it once was. I'd say pretty good chance at this point that I go back to school next fall for teaching. I still have a little time to make sure that's the right decision, but I feel pretty good about the idea.

I took my previous landlord to small claims court a few weeks ago over not getting my security deposit back, and lost. I didn't think the judge handled the case that well, but I wasn't shocked by the result either because I didn't have an airtight case, mainly because I wasn't careful enough to protect myself from something like that happening. Live and learn, I guess, but very few times in my life have I ever been so angry about something. I mean, I certainly needed the money back, but it wasn't even about that anymore. My landlord sat there under oath with a (poorly prepared) wild concoction of fabrications and lies, and quite frankly it was shocking. I just can't fathom why I deserve to be treated so disrespectfully, or how someone can treat others like that as if it's no big deal. I'm not perfect, but I try really hard to be a good person. But when this kind of thing happens, I can't help but lose a little faith in people, and wonder why should I be a good person if I'm going to be the one who ends up getting screwed over? I don't even have an answer to that question, but I also know that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't continue to hold myself to certain standards, and if I can touch just a few people now and again, then in the end it is still worth it.

This is actually chronologically out of order because it happened prior to my court case, but the story seems relevant now. A few weeks ago I ran out of gas on the way to work. I know, I live about 7 miles from work, I'm just an idiot sometimes, and I'm ok with that. I was probably about 3 miles from the nearest gas station, so I grabbed my 1-gallon gas container and started hiking up 9W, which is a busy road. Countless number of people drove by me as I walked up the road, kind of embarassed by my situation. Then one car pulled up next to me and asked if I needed a ride. It was a couple, probably in their late 40's, and they hadn't even just stopped, they had driven by and turned around. They gave me a ride to the closest gas station, and I still had to walk back, but I really appreciated it. We didn't even exchange names, just some pleasantries, and I'll never see those people again. I thanked them profusely, but I could tell they just felt like it was the right thing to do and that it was no big deal. That act of random kindness gives me something to hold onto, that maybe it seems that they are few and far between sometimes but that there are still good, kindhearted people in the world. And it makes me want to continue to try to be like the people in that car.

Some other things have gone on that need not be discussed in this space, but suffice it to say that right now, at this moment, I feel like I'm starting from scratch. That's a little disconcerting because I'm definitely not quite where I imagined myself at 26, but at the same time it's not necessarily upsetting either. I don't regret any of the decisions I've made over the last few years, regardless of the fact that many of them didn't turn out the way I hoped. It's kind of like when I played Nintendo as a kid and hit the reset button when things were going poorly. The game always started again, and the feeling was always that with a fresh start, maybe I could beat it this time around, which was somewhat liberating. I've hit the reset button. I'm going to find something to do that I enjoy and is worthwhile. I'm going to volunteer somewhere again, finally. I'm going to go to the gym this winter so that next summer I can be a "runner" again. I'm going to surround myself with my old and new friends that I trust and remind myself that quality is more important than quantity. I spent about 22 years finding myself and 4 more making good decisions that have turned out poorly (if such a thing exists), but more importantly learning from them as well. Now, I think I'm ready to finish becoming the person I've always wanted to be. I've always been close, but I can't let close be good enough.

Friday night my fortune cookie said "May life throw you a pleasant curve." I think it finally has, and I hope there are more coming.

Andy: That's the beauty of music. They can't get that from you. Haven't you ever felt that way about music before?
Red: I played a mean harmonica as a younger man. Lost interest in it though. Doesn't make much sense here in prison.
Andy: Here's where it makes the most sense. You need it so that you don't forget.
Red: Forget?
Andy: Forget that there are places in this world that aren't made out of stone. That there's something inside, that they can't get to, that they can't touch. That's yours.
Red: What're you talking about?
Andy: Hope.
Red: Let me tell you something my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.

Andy (later): Remember, Red, hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies.

~The Shawshank Redemption